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On Sunday, August 25th, the Video Music Awards rolled into Brooklyn, New York, invading the Barclays Center for the very first time with all of it’s pageantry, ridiculousness, and celebration of the year in music video. The VMA’s used to be the really cool awards show that was edgy, reckless, and anti-stuffy. It was where hipsters and rockers could intertwine with hip hop heads, where fashion trends had no boundaries, and where celebrities could mingle with music’s finest. Also at one point, MTV used to be a huge outlet for musicians. Those days are long gone as reality TV garbage has replaced it’s airwaves. One thing that has remained throughout MTV’s change in tone and culture is the Video Music Awards. The show is still one of the highlights of the MTV calendar, and anyone who is promoting a major release for the fall or is currently hot in the summer, makes an appearance at this gig. Here at Jones and B, we watched this monstrosity of an award show go down live. Here is the top 10 skinny on MTV’s big night in BK.

1) The train wreck that is Miley Cyrus

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What were we watching there? Seeing Amanda Bynes spaz out or Lindsey Lohan on molly would have been more entertaining than watching Miley debut her new “urban” side to America on national television performing “We Can’t Stop” off her new album, “Bangerz.” I don’t know how or why this transformation even got started in the first place but this chick is out of control. Wasn’t this chick Hannah Montana? I thought the fact that her father’s (Billy Ray) all-star mullet, was a curse for disaster, but what has Miley been drinking? Is Hannah Montana now moonlighting as a stripper? I mean Tony Montana wouldn’t even touch that after a night of skiing with even the most intense conditions. What was going on with all teddy bears? Wasn’t that a little bit creepy? That performance reminded me of what happens when you do shrooms in a basement apartment in college where the only thing hanging on the walls Grateful Dead neon teddy bear posters and you lose your mind because you feel like you’re being attacked by pink bears. It’s a horrific experience, just like watching Miley jirate all over the Barclays Center stage. I felt weird watching Miley strut, twerk, and grind live teddy bears. It was like I was watching a trippy episode of Adult Swim.

mileytwerkingAnd was there a secret contest between Miley and Gene Simmons for worst usage of an oversized long tongue? She couldn’t keep that thing in her mouth. It was so sleazy. Children under the age of 14 shouldn’t have been able to witness that performance. They will be scarred for life.

 

This was the look of Will Smith’s family during her performance…

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To top it all off, Robin Thicke allowed her to join him on stage to screw up his mega hit, “Blurred Lines,” (No love for T.I. and Pharrell?) which must have been the reason why he lost the song of the summer award to…

2) The One Direction Inauguration
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MTV must be really in love with the teeny bopper generation. I get it. That’s your core audience. Alright, already. But let’s get something crystal clear. One Direction is NOT a good band. They are everything that is wrong with pop music. NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Boys II Men, and even 98 Degrees (I know I’m reaching here) all contain guys who can actually sing. Where are the guys with real vocal chops in 1D? News flash! There is none! Nobody in that group has a powerful voice. No one even has a voice that stands out. They are a bunch of ken dolls that look like they have been submerged together by Simon Cowell’s hair stylist. They have choreographed dance moves and are three years away from hating each other. And these dudes are putting out a movie! How did these prepubescent wankers actually get a movie? (Did I actually, call them wankers? I believe so) Yes, these dudes actually have a movie coming out out? And we wonder why there are problems in Hollywood. Somehow, this band won Best Song of the Summer for a song that I have NEVER heard before.  I mean “Best Song Ever” (that’s the name of the song btw) over “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk or “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke, both featuring Pharrell? What in the hell must Pharrell be thinking? 2013 was the summer of Pharrell. If he took a crap on the sidewalk it would turn into gold this summer. My mom even knows “Blurred Lines.” I saw a 78 year old woman at a wedding this past Saturday get her groove on to “Blurred Lines,” and she even knew some of the lyrics!!! So how in the world can one justify that one of those two songs did not win best song of the summer? Cause the fix is in! I think that’s because MTV is rigged for young teeny bops who haven’t experienced puberty yet and are in love with…

3) More Tay Tay Victories

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Maybe that’s what MTV stands for. More Taylor Swift Victories? More Taylor Vision? How many camera shots did we really need of Taylor Swift last night? First off, she did look beautiful, but did she get the memo that it’s the VMA’s and not the Academy Awards? I mean at the VMA’s you are supposed to dress the part right? (Just ask Miley) I almost felt like Tay Swift was in my picture in picture the entire night because MTV showed us everything that she was doing all night long. OMG, Taylor sent out a tweet. OMG, Taylor wiped her nose.  OMG, Taylor moved a piece of hair out of her face while singing “Senorita” by Justin Timberlake. I mean MTV’s cameras caught everything. They showed her singing along to every song that was performed live by various artists that Taylor loves with her BFF Selena Gomez.  They even caught her throwing a subtle jab at her ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles of 1D when she won Best Female Video as well as catching her mouth saying, “Shut the F up” while 1D received their awards. Taylor, I bet you didn’t know MTV also serves as the teen tabloids. And when did MTV become the Disney Channel? How can people really take Selena Gomez’s singing ability seriously? She even won a moonman for “Come and Get It,” for Best Pop Video. Really? I thought this chick was only famous because she dated the Beibs, not because of her vocal ability, which is sub-par. It was just way too much of her, Tay Swift, and random shots of….

4) The weirdness of Lady Gaga

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The return of Gaga to the VMA stage was sure to be an event and of course it was that last night. Gaga opened the VMA’s with her new single “Applause.” I don’t personally like this song, but I respect the hell out of Gaga as a performer. She can sing and dance her ass off. She was the perfect candidate to open the show. Like with any Lady Gaga production there was a lot of things going on onstage, dancing, wig changes, makeup applications, and a full costume show, all poured into a 3 minute plus visual spectacle. The camera seemed to stay captivated on all that is Gaga, as the ARTPOP queen was in the forefront of MTV’s attention last night, also like the announcement of…

5) New Marshall Mathers LP Dropping November 15th!

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In epic fashion, Eminem announced his return to the music game with multiple commercials during the VMA’s about his brand new album dropping on November 15th titled, “MMLP2.” The announcement is a Beats by Dre commercial and is playing the bass pumping anthem “Bezerk,” which is supposed to drop this Tues. The song sounds like a throw back to old school hip hop, very Beastie Boy-esque. Also mentioned in the ad was that the album is produced by Dr. Dre and Rick Rubin which makes me extremely excited. Mr. Mathers takes his time with projects as he has with this one. He is fresh off the success of his comeback album, “Recovery.” So with Dre and Mr. Rubin at the helm of this project expect a lot of fire power from Detroit’s finest. Another anticipated fall release is that from…

6) Drizzy Drake and tank tops

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Canada’s king made a VMA appearance last night promoting material from his “Nothing But the Same” LP which is scheduled to be released at the end of September. Aubrey, as we like to call him at Jones and B (Drake’s real name) kicked things off with a verse from his latest R&B smash, “Hold On, We’re Coming Home,” and then switched gears from sweet to gangsta with his street anthem, “Started From The Bottom.” Only problem with all of this was Aubrey’s wardrobe. Drake had on a black, what looked like a size medium tank top. Was it sheer?  It may even been partially sequenced along the collar. Drake ain’t a big dude. Drake hasn’t been to the gun show at any point in his career. Doesn’t he know about who can pull off tank tops? Meat heads, surfer dudes, and athletes are the only people who can really pull off tank tops, excluding women with great breasts. Drake doesn’t apply to any of those categories. Bad fashion move Aubrey. We can blame it on Canada or on…

7) Hello world, we are Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

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I can’t hate on Macklemore. This is his time. Dude is on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine this month. Their debut album, “The Heist” has sprung two number one singles, “Thrift Shop,” and “Can’t Hold Us,” and another top twenty hit with “Same Love,” which they performed later in the night. If you don’t know who Macklemore and Ryan Lewis are by this point, you definitely know them after last night as they were all over the VMA’s. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis are independent artists and are representing underground hip hop to the fullest. Macklemore has been blowing up the Seattle hip hop scene for some time now and has finally been able to showcase his talents on a major scale with “The Heist.” Are they the hip hop artists of the year? Of course not. I have no clue how they even beat out the competition in their own category. (Kendrick Lamar “Swimming Pools,” J. Cole “Power Trip,” A$ap Rocky “Fucking Problems”) Call that the MTV factor, but Macklemore and Ryan Lewis are clearly showing the music world that they are no slouches. I’m still not sure what Ryan Lewis actually does, but I’m sure it is something important. But this dude Macklemore can spit with the best of them, and they are all about making honest music. I don’t know who can’t respect the power of the gay rights anthem “Same Love,” and to see them perform that last night with the very talented Mary Lambert and special guest appearance from the vocal machine Jennifer Hudson, shows that they will be in the hip hop game for a long time. The same can be said for…

8) Mr. Controversy himself, Kanye West is back, and not making a scene for once.

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I love Kanye. Always have. Always will. I don’t care what the world thinks about him, I think he is the single most important artist in music over the past 20 years. He is an innovator, a provocateur, a trend setter, and a risk taker. This is Kanye’s second major appearance this week after appearing on his baby mama’s momma talk show, “Kris” where he sat down for a candid hour long talk about fatherhood and his life.  He makes an impact without having to make an impact which is what he did last night with his subtle yet aggressive performance of “Blood on the Leaves.” First off, I love this song, and it’s one of my favorite tracks off the “Yeezus” album. I thought “Bound 2” was going to be the second single released from the “Yeezus” album, but this was a surprising song to hear him perform live. The cool thing about the performance was that Ye performed in black silouette. He performed in front of a visual of leaves and trees, and you could only see his face at the very beginning and end of his performance. He kept the performance about the song, not about him. It was artistic, it was raw, and it was vintage Kanye. I only expect the best from this guy. At least Ye made a live performance in Brooklyn on Sunday night unlike these guys…

9) What the hell happened to the Daft Punk performance?

daft-punk-vmas.pngDaft Punk was scheduled to perform last night on the VMA’s. They cancelled an appearance on The Colbert Report this past week because they were supposed to rock the VMA stage in Brooklyn. Instead they appeared with Pharrell and Nile Rodgers to give out the Best Female Video award to Taylor Swift. Daft Punk has had one of the biggest songs of their career with “Get Lucky” and one of the biggest albums of the year with, “Random Access Memories,” so it seemed fitting that they would showcase their skills and heighten their popularity even more with a performance of that summer smash. Instead, they gave us a 2 minute snippet of their new video, “Lose Yourself to Dance” with Pharrell and Nile Rodgers, which seems like a continuation of the “Get Lucky” video. Hey guys, no one wants to see a new Daft Punk video. MTV doesn’t even show videos anymore! We want to see the robots perform live. Videos are now for Vevo or YouTube only. There is no excitement for a 2 minute teaser on a clip that we will never see unless we search for it over the internet. Epic Fail Daft Punk. But one thing that we will be watching over and over again is…

10) The performance of a lifetime from Mr. MTV himself, Justin Timberlake.

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The 2013 VMA’s will go down as the night of Justin Timberlake. Justin is the man. Period. There is not much more to say about that. Justin performed a damn near 20 min medley of his greatest hits last night and every single person watching at home, on Twitter, Facebook, or in the Barclays Center, never wanted him to stop. He single handedly saved the 2013 VMA’s. I have never seen an artist get so much air time at a live telecast, but then again, there aren’t too many artists like Justin Timberlake. Justin was there to receive the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, and honor that goes to established artists that have made major contributions to the world of music video. Justin has done just that throughout his career. Last night’s performance had Justin singing and dancing through some of his best songs, “Take Back the Night,” “Sexy Back,” “Cry Me a River,” “Like I Love You,” “Suit and Tie,” “My Love,” “Senorita,” “Pusher Love Girl,” “Mirrors,” and featured the much talked about reunion of the super boy band, NSYNC, which performed snippets of “Girlfriend” and “Bye Bye Bye.” Millions of girls were extremely excited and satisfied when word came out that NSYNC would be reuniting for this show. Even though Justin and other members of NSYNC tried to down play the performance, it was pretty cool to see Lance, Chris, Joey, and JC relevant again for at least five minutes, and was even cooler to see Justin give those dudes their respect as they did help make up the first part of his career, even though he has tried to distance himself from that era in his legacy. You couldn’t watch that performance last night and not think that Justin Timberlake is a straight up beast at performing. He is so entertaining and so damn talented, that you gotta give props where props is due. And JT…here at Jones and B, we give nothing but props to you brotha. Keep doin the damn thing.

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