Don’t pretend like you haven’t tried it; like you haven’t set up a profile really quickly and done some innocent swiping during class or in a cab. Don’t act like you’ve never messaged one of your matches after a few drinks when you had to make that trek back to your apartment.. ALONE. Don’t deny it. They get 1.5 MILLION matches a day in the US, so odds are YOU’VE used it. Accept it! We all like “Hot or Not” (ing) people and we ALL want to get laid. Oh wait, sorry girls, we know you’re on there trying to find the love of your life (picking up on my sarcasm?). With that being said, I spent the weekend bouncing the subject of Tinder around friends and other Jones and B writers and we came up with the:
25 Truths of Tinder:
1. Just admit it, EVERYONE has messed around with the app. Is it really any different than what you’re doing in your head when you’re walking down the street? They’re Hot, They’re Hot, Nope Not them, Hot, Not, Not, Oh My God that person is disgusting how do they even leave the house looking like that?
2. Girls: If all 4 of your pictures are just face shots/selfies – we’re assuming you’re fat
2a. If your photo shows too much cleavage but no body then we DEFINITELY think you’re fat
3. Guys: If all 4 of your pictures are of you with your shirt off – we’re assuming you have a very tiny penis
4. If you’re in a group picture in all of your pictures – we’re assuming you’re the ugliest person in the picture
5. Don’t put all photos up with your boy/girl friend – if you’re on Tinder accept it for what it is, no one cares that you’re in a relationship
6. Can Brown people get some love? None of our dark skinned friends could get any play via Tinder… what’s up with that? People get down with Brown
7. If you post all professional modeling shots, or pics in your underwear no one thinks you’re a real person. And if you’re one of the few stupid people who fall for this, I think you should go be friends with Manti Te’o
8. Always get someone’s instagram or facebook within the first 15 minutes of talking to them. Let’s be real, everyone can find 2-4 photos that make them look WAAYYY better than they actually look in person. I’m not saying you’re dead set on meeting these people in person, but if you are going to, you might as well make sure they are as advertised.
8a. Just put your damn instagram name in your tinder profile to begin with. We are all self-centered assholes who love the idea of another follower we don’t know commenting on our photos anyway
9. Tinder is fucking great when you’re traveling (especially for work). Remove the factor of getting laid, and if you’re just trying to find someone to get a drink with it is a game changer.
10. Don’t write long bio’s… NO ONE CARES. We’re not here to read. All we are doing is judging you on how your look. THAT’S IT!
11. ALWAYS check the 2nd and 3rd photo before swiping yes. Even the hottest first photo is often some perfect photo from 3 years ago that never again has that person approached that level of hottness.
11a. Chill with all the travel pics. We get it, you’ve been places but we already know Italy is beautiful we’re trying to figure out if YOURE attractive
12. Guys: No paragraph long intro’s after a match. No one cares about your deep desires to succeed
13. Girls: No “you’re beautiful to look at” intro’s. You wreak of desperation and ugly. And yes we assume you’ll sleep with us immediately
14. Hey Tinder how about a max 10 year +/- on the age? There is no reason a 45 y/o male should be looking at pics of 18 y/0 girls… Just damn creepy
14a. If you do match with someone young (under 21 and you’re like 30+) it’s not that bad, but don’t go messaging them to hang out. What are you going to buy them beer for their bonfire party?
15. Everyone should just put their height up there. No girl wants to meet up with a guy who’s 5’5 when their 5’9
16. Quote pictures = Zero personality
17. All mirror pics = Zero friends
18. Conversations do not last more than 2-3 days… TOPS. So if you don’t get the other person’s phone number by then, move on.
18a. If someone doesn’t respond… don’t keep messaging them, or does Tinder need to start releasing “Restraining Order” badges for creeps who don’t get the picture
19. Easy there big fella, don’t go asking for digits or to hangout after 5 minutes…this is the same reason you’re leaving the bar alone – TOO EAGER
20. Stop using the intro… “I never use this app to meet people but….” we all know you use this app, because that’s why we matched. You’re using it. And stop pretending like I’m the first person you’re messaging. Just own it.
21. Did you ever get into a speed swipe succession of no’s and accidentally swipe someone you thought was hot to the not side and then react like you just accidentally lost your best friend off a cliff in a 90’s action movie… “NNNOOOOOoooooooooooo”
22. Guys: Yes, girls love abs, but two things: 1. Did you really need to post the pic you took of yourself? 2. If you’re going to take a shirtless selfie how about being in good shape? Maybe cutting back on the carbs or doing a spartan race or 7.
23. Take off the sunglasses. Do you know how many people can look half decent in sunglasses and then look like an alien with them off???
24. Duckface? Seriously? It’s 2013 you should know better by now… no excuses
25. It’s DEFINITELY better than “Hinge”… Never heard of it? Exactly. It’s because EVERYONE is on Tinder