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You know what happens when you get divorced?  No?  Well, I’ll tell you what happens… you are picked up by the fingers of the earth and thrown into a forest of women-craving, pounce-ready, sex-driven wolves.

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Let me explain…

After two years of marriage and countless boyfriends since I was fifteen, I had no idea how to live the life of a single woman in her late twenties.  But I told myself, “Michelle, shut the fuck up because you need this now… you’re moving to Hoboken and you’re going to meet a lot of people.”

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And that is exactly what I did.  Unfortunately, Hoboken is the mecca of those so-called wolves who just want to get laid.  And since I was as naïve as a twelve year-old schoolgirl when it came to casual sex, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  It took a year or so of tears and anxiety, but here are the lessons I’ve learned:

Lesson #1: Men Don’t Care as Much as Women Do

At first, yes, I thought these guys were the bane of my existence, sleeping with me because they wanted to tear my heart out when they didn’t text the next day.  But ha! no… it is much simpler than that.  Men just love sex.  They fucking LOVE sex.  They would fuck a hole in a tree if that was the only thing around.

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What women need to realize is that a man is not going to fall in love with you the moment he sleeps with you.  Yes, girls, you may feel like you have just met your soul-mate, but men… men are smarter.  They need more than that.

Now, I’m not saying you can’t sleep with a guy the first night, but do it only if you are 340% positive that you will not get feelings for him (which I’m pretty sure is impossible for women).  I mean, who knows, maybe you two will fall in love after he rails the life out of you, but chances are, that won’t happen.

Lesson #2: Don’t Keep Fucking a Dead Fish

If you are having sex with someone who makes your knees hurt because you have been on top the ENTIRE time (and is now taking FOREVER because he had twenty-seven drinks earlier in the night), you may want to reconsider his motives.  Now, by all means, if you are in this for the fun of it, go right ahead and get your workout in… he will love it and you’ll burn off that cupcake you ate at lunch.  But if you want a relationship out of these sexual escapades, he is probably not on the same page as you.  A man that wants more than a fuck will take the reins every so often… maybe even (God forbid!) make an attempt to head south.

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Ladies, take this to heart – a man who can throw you around like the little sex panther you are… now that… THAT is a man who cares.

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Lesson #3: The Dating Rules have Changed

I remember in high school when you kissed a guy, he automatically became your boyfriend.  Unfortunately (fortunately?) that’s not how it happens now.  Shit, from what I’ve seen at the bar, boyfriends and girlfriends would be coupling up every minute.  Even in college, it took me max, one week to lock a guy down.  Not anymore…

Now, however, you must go through the stage of “seeing someone” before it can become official.  What the fuck “seeing someone” means is beyond me, but jumping straight into a relationship is unheard of.  You must play the “I’m not going to text him, but I am totally getting anxiety because I haven’t heard from him since yesterday at 11pm, but ok, it’s only 8am… I’ll give him twenty more minutes” game.  It’s a shitty game, but it’s a necessary game.  Play it.

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Maybe I’m wrong… maybe the lessons I’ve learned are all for naught.  Who knows, but maybe I helped some of you avoid getting devoured by a pack of wolves.

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