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A few years ago, when I was newly single, I was probably the most awkward person when it came to approaching men.  Any time a hot guy walked within even a three foot radius of me, I would get so nervous that I would immediately turn bright red and spasm.  Yes… spasm.  Picture Elaine Benes talking to a guy and then, out of nowhere, whipping out portions of her dance moves.  It was fucking weird.

Elaine-Benes

 

But now… NOW… I like to consider myself an experienced predator.  I hunt men like they are my prey about to be devoured by a raging, uncontrollable hyena.  It took years, but I believe I have finally mastered the art of seducing these God-forsaken souls we call men.  So, now, to share my knowledge, I have compiled a list of proven tips for picking up a man at a bar (I’d stay away from using any of these phrases at, say… church):

1.      Start Off With an Interesting Remark

For instance, “I am a lesbian and would rather eat out a girl than suck your dick” is a phrase that has worked for me in the past.  Granted I said this to a guy who I wanted to get rid of because, well… the red beanie he was wearing at the bar made me want to smack him across the face.

Beanie

 

However, since he didn’t leave me alone after that, I’d consider this an effective pick-up line.  He thought I was the most interesting girl on the planet and pretty sure he would have given me his number along with five back-up numbers if I had wanted it.

Truthfully, no man, or woman for that matter, wants to hear about your job or some other bullshit within the first five minutes of meeting you.  So, don’t start off with that because, unless you work for NASA, he will tune you out immediately.  Keep his attention.  Men love lesbians.

Lesbian

 

2.      Keep Him Intrigued

To illustrate… one night at a bar in South Jersey, some (hot) guy accidentally cut me off as I was on my way to the bathroom.  Instead of saying to him “it’s ok” after he said “sorry” and losing out on a perfectly good opportunity, I responded confidently with… “don’t worry, you can just make out with me later”.  His speechless look as I turned around and walked away was priceless.  That boy searched for me in this very large, very dark, very crowded bar for at least an hour.  When we finally did run into each other again, we danced for hours.  We went out once or twice after that but things didn’t work out because he lived more than a mile away from me and really… I just don’t do long distance.   That’s not the point though… point is I got his number.

Understand this, men don’t like it when women are all over them from the get-go.  Back off for a little… let him become interested.  Then swoop in for the unexpected pounce.

Pounce

 

3.      Challenge Him

I once told a man, “I will kiss you, but ONLY if you make out with the hottest girl here… a girl of my choice… within five minutes”.  It took him a second to fully comprehend what I had just asked of him, but bizarrely enough (even I was shocked), he accomplished this no problem.  He strolled right up to this very attractive girl, made out with her for a good ten seconds, mouthed to me “am I good”, and ran back to kiss me when I gave him the thumbs up.  I’m pretty sure that girl wanted to slap both me and him across the face with a bat.  Again though… I got his number.

Take advantage of the fact that men cannot turn down a challenge.  It’s scientific proof.

Challenge-accepted

 

4.      Follow-up with a Drunk Text at Midnight

This obviously occurs after you have actually gotten his number, but I consider this part of the “picking up” process. One of my favorite drunk texts…

“Where you at??”

However, and this is crucial… do NOT answer when he sends a response.  Along the same lines as keeping him intrigued, you want him wondering, “why… oh why did she send that text?”  Yes, you are slightly interested in knowing what he’s doing, but you don’t really care.  You’re keeping this casual.  Men don’t like serious.  In fact, they HATE serious.  Pissing him off around midnight keeps it casual.  You are good to go.

Lesson Learned: picking up a guy may have the unfortunate side effect of getting punched in the face… but hey, at least you have his number.

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