On Tuesday nights, I usually head to a quiet(er) bar by myself (yes, by myself) to hang out with one of my favorite bartenders, write, and watch college basketball. Usually these Tuesday nights turn out to be relatively uneventful compared to my typical nights out, but not this time…
No, this time, Christmas came early for me when two people walked into the bar, sat right next to me, and proceeded to have yes…
A TINDER DATE!!!
I was in awe at how perfectly it represented a typical first date between two people that have never met before. So what did I do?? I recorded the entire date into my notebook as I sat there listening to these two poor bastards talk and make my night hysterical. So, here for your enjoyment, is their Tinder date:
(My thoughts are in italicized in parentheses).
7:56pm – I’m minding my own business, watching college basketball as a pretty blonde girl in her mid-twenties comes in and sits down in the one of two empty stools next to me. (Great, I’m going to have to listen to two bitches blabber about stupid shit for the rest of the night)
8:03pm – The girl is sitting there for a little less than ten minutes, starting to get anxious (because she is biting her nails), when a decent looking man also in his mid-twenties (who, by the way, is not as good-looking as her) walks in and sits down. They introduce themselves to each other and he orders two beers. (Jackpot!! My night just got better)
8:05pm – Both start talking about their day, but as the conversation is flowing, they are frantically trying to figure out what to do with their hands…
“Can’t put it on her lap… too soon! Can’t lean back in the chair… he’ll think I’m lazy!”
After a good couple minutes, he decides to cross his arms, but is sitting up like a piece of fucking plank-board is glued to his back as she, also sitting up perfectly straight, has her hands buried in between her legs. (Oh, this is going to be good)
8:06pm – After they talked about their (incredibly boring) days, he starts telling her a what-he-thinks-is-funny story about the time he was shopping at some store trying on t-shirts and one didn’t fit right (or some shit). Around minute two, he begins to realize that his shitty story is not going to make her laugh because, well, it’s a shitty story. Unfortunately, for this poor idiot, he keeps going. Then, as she continues to sit there silently, he starts laughing out loud at absolutely nothing.
8:10pm – The awkward silence.
8:11pm – The awkward sip.
8:12pm – He begins speaking. (Finally because I almost took it upon myself to say something). At this point though, I can tell he’s nervous, because instead of crossing his arms across his chest, they are now flailing around everywhere.
8:15pm – She speaks. (It’s about time!) I couldn’t really understand what she was saying though because she was a very quiet person. (I wonder how she felt about the flailing arms…)
8:16pm – As he’s listening, his hands are now on his chin and he is leaning in (a little more than what’s appropriate) trying as all hell to act interested in what she is saying.
8:20pm – They stop talking for some reason (this is weird) and both look up at the TV to watch the basketball game (and I’d bet $100 that she has no idea what a free throw is).
8:23pm – He asks “are you hungry?” (He is hoping to God she says yes because there is no chance is hell this boy ate before their date and is absolutely starving).
8:24pm – “No, I ate earlier” (Ha!)
8:30pm – For about five minutes they talked about something that I couldn’t really hear, but around the sixth minute, all I hear from his mouth is “Are you serious?? That is AWESOME! Absolutely AWESOME!” (for some reason though, I highly doubt it was that awesome).
8:32pm – A couple minutes later, he asks her to go to another bar so they can have a few more beers (even though they are nowhere near finished with their first beer they ordered 31 minutes ago). She says no. (Op! Well, she’s not interested)
8:33pm – She crosses her legs towards me (BAD sign).
8:34pm – He asks her if she wants to stay and “feast”? (What the fuck is she? A king? And um… didn’t she say she wasn’t hungry?)
8:35pm – “No, I have to wake up early, so I really should get home”. (And THERE it is!)
8:36pm – “Yes, sleep is always necessary”.
8:37pm – Desperation has suddenly set in as he quickly chugs his beer and then asks if she likes oysters. (What is this guy’s obsession with food??)
8:38pm – She responds with, “I’ve never had oysters”.
8:39pm – “WHATTTTTT?” as he puts his head in his hands like this is an absolute abomination. (Jesus Christ buddy, calm down)
8:45pm – He continues with his desperate attempt to keep her around and starts asking random questions.
8:46pm – “If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?” (Da fuck did he just ask??)
8:48pm – It is now 8:48pm and both are STILL trying to figure out what to do with their hands.
8:50pm – I believe she answers his question (obviously not with “oysters”), but I guess it wasn’t what he wanted to hear because he then changes the subject and tells her he went bungee jumping around this time last year. (Ohhh shit!)
8:51pm – “Yeah, I’m sorry, I really need to get home” (Awwww)
8:54pm – He asks for the check and pays as she’s sitting there motionless – not even an attempt to grab her wallet.
9:00pm – She stands up as he’s still talking and they walk out.
Outside, both hug, say goodbye, and head in separate directions.
Lesson Learned: Always show up to a Tinder date wasted. If you want a real date, refer to “How to Pick Up a Guy… Lohf Style” at preferthebar.com.