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It’s that time of year again when everyone starts making those promises they have no intention on keeping…

You know, New Year’s Resolutions.


From what I hear, most people pledge to lose weight and exercise more.  Unfortunately, I need a little more help than that.  So, here, to make you feel better about your overall existence, is my list of resolutions that I’m sure will be broken by, I say, January 5th:

1.  Stop out-drinking 22 year-olds who just graduated college.


2.  Get a place of your own because you are 31 years old and should probably grow up.  I don’t give a shit if you are broke.  Make it work.


3.  Come to think of it, change #1 to, “stop fucking 22 year-olds who just graduated college”.


4.  Stop melting shredded cheese in a pot and calling it dinner.


Because that is just… disgusting.

5.  Don’t land in the ER again.  The doctor already thinks you’re a sex-crazed alcoholic when he pulled out that tampon following your incredibly long, incredibly drunken sexual escapade.  You were extremely embarrassed from, not only the experience, but also when he once again kneeled down and asked, “Let me make sure nothing else is up there” and you responded with, “Um, excuse me??  Please, doc, PLEASE tell me what the FUCK else would be up there?”


You scared him and made a complete fool of yourself.

6.  Start smoking.


7.  Just kidding.


8.  Drink with your co-workers more often.  You have to get that promotion somehow.


9.  Wake up earlier.  You wake up at 8:20am and run around like a banshee to get to work by nine.  I’m sure ten less minutes of sleep won’t kill you, you lazy bitch.


10.  Calm down with your superstitions.  You don’t need to throw salt over your shoulder every time you use it.  The pile behind the couch is pissing off your roommate.


This picture is freaking me the fuck out by the way.

11.  Stop checking your closets, under your bed, etc. for monsters/people.  What would you do if someone was behind the shower curtain anyway?  Knock him out with your pussy punch?  Ha!

We stopped checking for monsters under our beds, when we realize they were inside us.

12.  Actually, scratch #11… buy a metal bat.


13.  Wentworth Miller is gay.  Stop thinking about him when you play with yourself.


14.  Create a five-year plan on having a kid (i.e. save up).  If not enough money can be saved, then punch holes in all your condoms and start looking for a (preferably rich) baby daddy.  Wentworth Miller is an acceptable choice in this situation.


15.  Stop drunk texting.  Most men won’t respond to, “Where sucka you little bitch?” at 2am.  That doesn’t even make sense, you fucking moron.


This is it for now.  I’m sure I will make a lot more mistakes in 2014 and have a new list 365 days from now.

All I can say is… bring it on.

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