So the Super Bowl is coming this week and that means one thing to us New Yorkers…TOURISTS! Now, contrary to popular belief, we don’t really hate tourists. In fact, every single day three million “tourists” enter NYC in the form of suburban commuters – and we deal with them just fine. Really, they don’t bother us at all (trying not to grind my teeth or hold back any angst). Haha, ok, well maybe it’s not that bad, but there’s definitely something major that separates real New Yorkers from those people who invade this city from outside of the 5 boroughs. For the most part, the differences are negligible and we don’t even really pay attention. However, live in NYC long enough, and you’ll begin to notice “them”. “Them” are the few things… the few, little, tiny, minor things that drive us completely insane. For all the real New Yorkers out there, this list is our way of showing you, “we feel your pain” and “you’re not alone!”
1. Saying you’re from NYC:
You know how we know you’re not from NYC? Because you just say you’re from New York. Anyone who is actually from New York says the borough or even neighborhood they grew up in. New Yorkers are from Brooklyn, the Lower East Side, 125th Street or even… Staten Island. However, say you’re from New York and we know you’re really from Jersey.
2. Bad Metro Card Swiper:
You know what happens at rush hour. You’re hustling to get on the C train and you see it coming. You’re in line with plenty of time to swipe through the turnstile and then bam! Three people ahead of you, some person can’t figure out how to use their metro card. Bye-bye train and goodbye coffee, because now I don’t have time to get some after I wait for the next train. Listen, you get 2 swipes of your card. If you’ve run out of money/time, I forgive you, but that’s one swipe. If it doesn’t read your card properly, that’s two swipes. However, you get 2 swipes and that’s it. Go back for the 3rd and you might get choke slammed by the 112 lb PR girl who’s hungover and late for work.
3. Chain Restaurants:
Sorry Applebees and Chevy’s, but we don’t mess with your giant margaritas and jalapeño poppers. If we want watered-down drinks and frozen appetizers we aren’t going to your cheesy national franchises, we’ve got our own shitty NYC franchises like Blockheads and Brother Jimmy’s. Note: Chipotle is an exception to all rules ever created.
4. The Cab “UpStreamer”:
Made famous by Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm (see video), the upstream is both something that New Yorkers hate and also something that only real New Yorkers do. You can always tell a tourist because they literally wait at a corner, while people just take every cab, like there is a line or a “queue”. But New Yorkers can’t be bothered to wait for anything, so we upstream. And who do we end up pissing off? Real New Yorkers who had a moment of guilt or just a bout of laziness and decided to not upstream that particular time.
5. Survey People:
If there is one stereotype about New Yorkers that is 100% true, it’s that we’re all in a rush. So what the hell makes anyone conducting surveys in Manhattan think that I have 15 minutes to stand around answering questions about whether I believe global warming is a serious problem. Of course it is! You know how we know? Because its 95 degrees in October and I’m sweating through my suit trying to juke, stiff-arm, and spin move the Greenpeace army on 23rd street.
6. The Unaware American Idol:
This is the guy, and yes it’s almost always a guy, who’s rapping, out-loud, along to the music in his headphones and sometimes even busting out some pretty terrible choreography along with it. This dude is usually on the subway next to you, but sometimes you can see him walking a couple steps in-front of you on the street. The thing is, he isn’t actually busking or performing for money, he’s just working on his flow for the next underground rap battle that he’s not going to compete in. What makes this even worse? He’s never even rapping a song you know. It’s like come on man, at least give me some Kendrick or some Macklemore (haha, too soon?)!
7. The Bad Street/Subway Performer:
Only slightly worse then our last contestant is the person who wants money for their terrible performance. New York is actually full of amazingly talented street performers. I mean we are blessed to have some really cool and interesting musical performances that are going on every day on the streets and in the subways. And most New Yorkers are pretty cool about throwing a couple dollars at a good performance. BUTTTTTTT, there’s always some crackhead that wants to sing the worst rendition you can imagine of Amazing Grace or Beautiful at 7 am on the D train. Then, just when you think it’s over and you can go back to pretending to read your book, the dude has to harass every individual for some money. How about I give you $5 and you bother the people on the 7:30 am train from now on.
8. Doesn’t leave their neighborhood friend:
New York is, compared to cities like London, Paris or even L.A., really quite compact. You can get almost anywhere in 15-20 minutes (real time). But there is always that friend that pretty much will never leave their neighborhood to do anything. They act like going from the Upper East Side to Gramercy is like grinding out the Oregon Trail. God forbid you try and get them to go to Brooklyn for the night and they’ll fake a seizure.
9. The annoying coffee/bagel orderer:
One of our female writers wanted to call this the “Jappy, I’m on a diet but not really orderer”, but we thought that was a little bit too precise of a description. We’ve also asked her to see Charlie Sheen for some anger management counseling. However, we know exactly what she’s talking about. The people whose order is just too complicated and too labor intensive for 8am at breakfast or coffee shop.
“Ummm yea, I’ll have a wholewheat bagel, not multi-grain, scooped out with low-fat tofu spread, and a Grande, quad, nonfat, one-pump, no-whip, Mocha Latte.”
If that was your order… everyone behind you in line hates you.
10. The over expensive street vendor:
Let me paint you the picture: you’re in a rush, it’s 105 degrees and you just need a bottle of water; or, you’re hungover as hell and you need a bagel and coffee quick cause you’re late from a bad swiper or an upstreamer. Thankfully, you see the vendor cart guy. You pull out the two lonely singles in your wallet only to hear some ridiculous price spit back at you. $3.5o for a 12 oz bottle of Poland Spring?? Are you f’n nuts??? The worst part is that you’d pay this ridiculous price, but New Yorkers never have cash on them anymore. So now you’re two dollars are getting angrily shoved back in your pocket as you try and figure out how you might be able to steal that bottle of water and use it to water torture the vendor till he agrees to make his price reasonable.
This clip from an old movie Falling Down, isn’t quite the same (and no we don’t support the racial undertones), but we understand how Michael Douglas feels:
***Warning this is the first of 4 club related posts***
11. Lines at Clubs:
Maybe it’s just that I’m not 22 anymore, but no one I know that lives in NYC is willing to wait in line for anything, and certainly not a club. If we don’t know the doorman, the bouncer, or aren’t legitimately on the list, we aren’t going there. The concept of waiting 20-40 minutes to be given the privilege of paying $18 for a vodka soda…sorry, that’s something we don’t comprehend. Not to mention the coolest clubs don’t have lines anyway. They tell you straight up if you’re getting in or you’re not.
12. The “I can get us in guy” who can’t:
There is always a guy in a group who is certain he can get everyone into the club. The problem? He normally can’t, at least not everyone. You get to the club, the bouncer and doorman ignore him. Then he finally gets their attention only for your boy to come back with options like we’re running black ops:
“Ok, we’ve got two options: first is we split up. I’ll go in with Mike and Michelle now and you two take the 4 girls and wait in the VIP line, not the guest list line, then when you get to the door tell them “Bobbi’s” list, but Bobbi with an “i” and not a “y”. Our other option is we grab 3 more girls from the line and my boy Paolo, who’s promoting tonight, will get us a table and two bottles for the price of one.”
13. The Ridiculously Arrogant Doorman:
We get it, you’re “important”. You are very, very important. If not for you, we’d have all sorts of ugly girls and tons of dudes just invading the club and making all the beautiful people feel uncomfortable. Within weeks it’d be pure chaos and no one would be coming to your club anymore. Ok, that sounded dramatic, unfortunately it is probably what would happen haha. But seriously, we all know the doorguy/bouncer who just loves his job, and the power, just a bit too much. It’s like, come on bro, you don’t have to let me and my friends in tonight but don’t act like you don’t know me. I’m here all the time, I’ve met you like 20 times.. hell, you used to hook up with my sister! You know me. Then, after pretending like he/she doesn’t know you, your friend who’s DJ’n or buying a table walks up and all of a sudden he remembers your name and even jokes about that time he was over your house for Christmas. Yea buddy, thanks… and sweet full-length fur coat – let me know what time the “mo money mo problems” music video shoot is.
14: That Promoter:
Promoters are a necessary evil in any big city, especially NYC. In fact, I have some good friends who are promoters and they are cool as hell. But there are always those promoters that are just like the worst people on earth. Either they aren’t even working for the club, they are like the 3rd person down the line in a promotion group, or they text you 30 times a week to ask you to come everywhere even if you don’t respond to any of the messages. OR, they tend to falsely hit on girls like they’re balling out when they are really just drinking free bottles of Svedka and milking each bottle because they only get two for free and don’t want them to run out too early in the night. Those promoters suck and we all know exactly who you are when we see you.
Oh, and sorry, but you’re not a model just coming to the club to help a friend. You’re a promoter who did a charity fashion show once in high school and now you just wear super deep V-neck t-shirts and sunglasses in the club.
**** Ok, we’re done with hating on the clubs****
15. No Headphones on the Subway:
Never understood this. You guys know the person – they’re sitting on the subway holding their iPhone up in the air with their music playing out loud for everyone to hear it. I don’t get it though, why no headphones? Do you think you’re like the next Rick Rubin and you’re trying to open up everyone’s eyes to new things in music? Or did you just buy your iPhone on Canal St. and it didn’t come with headphones? Either way, you’re annoying everyone on the subway and we’re all just hoping someone comes by and takes your phone out of your hand and throws it out the door at the next stop.
16. Overly Aggressive Sports Fan:
New Yorkers love their sports teams, but there’s always one guy who’s just too into it. You know, the person who wants to start an argumentative conversation with anyone wearing a Red Sox hat. Come on man, being an aggressive sports fan is for Boston or Philadelphia. Chill the hell out, Chris “The Maddog” Russo.
17. Williamsburg Hipsters and Murray Hill Yuppies:
Sorry people but we had to include these two groups because if you’re from NYC and don’t fall into one of these two categories you talk shit on these people whenever you see them. Ironically the two groups could not be more different, except for the fact that both of their parents usually pay their rent. But other than that, they both suck in exactly opposite ways. One group exclusively drinks craft beers and vintage cocktails while the other drinks anything they can get their hands on and pounds fireball shots till their bank card hits overdraft. One group thinks everything is “awesome bro”, while the other barely admits to liking anything… ever. To be honest, most New Yorkers even like those neighborhoods during the day, but the moment the sun goes down we remember why we never go out in those areas.
18. 3 or more people in a row on the sidewalk:
As we established, New Yorkers are all in a hurry and your desire to walk four-across while holding hands down the sidewalk just doesn’t work for us. The sidewalk is meant for, MAX, 2.5 people walking shoulder to shoulder. That’s two adults and a child, or 3 midgets, or 1 adult, 1 child and a pet. But anything more than that and there is probably some investment banker losing his shit behind you because he can’t seem to find a way to pass you.
19. Slow walkers and the STOP move:
You know the person who is by no means handicapped or old or injured, they are just walking obscenely slow. They usually are looking around aimlessly, and occasionally even do the dreaded STOP. This is where you’re literally right behind them, because they are walking so slowly you can’t help it, and then out of nowhere they just stop. There is no corner, no store, no falling anvil from above. For no reason at all they just stop, causing you to bump into them or pull some kind of matrix like move to avoid them.
20. The Balling Out Bum:
I am all for giving to the homeless, but I’m not giving a dime to a dude begging for money in nicer kicks than me. I mean, dude has those new Air Yeezy’s and he’s asking me for a couple bucks??? You can’t be serious. Sell those kicks and you can get a room at the W and dinner at Wolfgangs.
21. The “oh that place guy”:
Otherwise known as the snob, they usually call themselves a “foodie”, they ALWAYS have a snarky opinion or eye-roll ready for wherever you suggest going to eat. “Ohhh you want to go to that place, that’s cool, I mean the original chef left and no one really goes there anymore, but ok we can go there.” Can we really? Thanks. New York is full of these people, and they’ve taken the joy out of eating for us normal people, the same way those art snobs hated on everything in “Hitch”.
22. Sex and the City and Girls:
Ok, so New Yorkers don’t actually hate these shows. In fact, girls in NYC love them as much, if not more, than girls outside of NYC. But what New Yorkers definitely hate about them, is that EVERY girl from outside of NYC thinks that NYC girls really live those lives. Not even close. It’s not real life, it’s HBO.
23: Bad Pizza:
I don’t care if you’re gluten free and on the Paleo diet, every New Yorker has a pizza spot they go to and despises the idea of eating bad pizza. Why? A. because we know what good pizza is and B. because we are all vein and aren’t going to waste calories and carbs on eating shitty pizza at 3 am. Thank god Artichoke is open till like 6am!
24. New Years Eve:
This is the biggest shitshow in the world in NYC. Not only is it always like – 5 degrees outside AND two million people flock into NYC clogging up every form of transportation, but you’ve also got to pay $250 to walk into a bar that usually you wouldn’t even admit to going to. Oh, but we get a champagne toast and open bar till 1 am? Thanks, that helps considering I usually don’t go out till 1 am and there’s still 4 more drinking hours in the night. Not only that, but at the end of the night, because it seems like everyone is on the same schedule, either you have to pay 60x rate on Uber or have your girlfriend bitch at you the entire walk home because you were too “cheap” to pay $183 to take an Uber car 13 blocks. Sorry, but very few New Yorkers really enjoy NYE in NYC.
25. The “Selective” Cabby:
Hey, where you going? Oh up town… no no my friend.
Hey, you where you going? Brooklyn, HAHA no I don’t go to Brooklyn, go take the 4 train.
You’ve got to be a real New Yorker to have experienced this, and when you have it will make you want to freak out like the motorcycle gang did on the range rover. It used to be cabbies in NYC didn’t pick up black people, and thank god they’ve moved from racism to classism. Going to an outer borough or worse yet… Hoboken?? Naaa better luck next time son. Sometimes they don’t even go places within Manhattan. Seriously, why are you even pulling over to ask me where I’m going if you know I’m on 6th avenue (which runs uptown) and you won’t go anyplace UPTOWN. In fact, why are you even driving a cab if you don’t want to drive people places? That’s like me working as a bartender and then not serving you based on what drink you order. Oh wait, NYC has those too.
26. The “I’m So Busy” Friend:
L.A. has flakes. NYC has “the busy friend”. This is the friend that always has “sooo much work to do,” that they can never hangout. Not only can they never hangout, but their text messages, their instagram, and their facebook are monopolized by comments about hating mondays and working late. Then, usually about once a month you get a message saying “ugghhh I really need a drink, let’s meet up”, followed 4 hours later by “I’m so sorry but I have to cancel, so busy”. As I stated, L.A. has flakes. NYC has “the busy friend”.
New Yorkers are, for whatever reason, completely unprepared for any cash required situation. Need to split a check with friends? Yup, see 7 credit cards thrown in the middle. However, the worst situation on the planet is when you finish eating at a restaurant only to get your card denied by the, “Sorry, we only accept cash” rebuttal. I get it super cool speakeasy bar on the lower east side, or really cute little cafe in the west village – you’re quaint, you’re small and you’re trendy. But seriously, you can’t accept credit cards in 2014? That 2% processing fee is really THAT big a deal when you’re charging me $19 for a martini? Get over yourself and get a card reader or that thing “Square”. I mean hell, you can pay for your adopted asian baby on credit card, and you won’t accept a card to pay for my frittata??
28. No TV Friends:
I get it, cable is expensive and TV is predominantly stupid. But honestly, who the hell doesn’t have a TV in their apartment? Unfortunately, every New Yorker has at least one friend who “doesn’t watch TV” and you know what, they suck. A. You can afford it, you have a $2,200/mth apartment in the village. Don’t play. B. You’re not that smart. It’s not like you’re reading Tolstoy or writing the next great american novel. You’re reading Twilight and writing your foodie blog. C. Even though you don’t watch TV, you ALWAYS want to come over on Sunday nights to watch HBO and The Walking Dead.
29. Time Square:
Honestly, I probably don’t need to say anything because all New Yorkers hate Time Square. But let me just reiterate the level of our distaste. If you EVER ask a New Yorker to meet you at any place within 300-400 yards of Time Square, they will more than likely make some sort of “huffing” sound, send 5 text messages to mutual friends who live in NYC about how annoying you are for picking a place in/around Time Square, and then ultimately they will either complain the entire time you’re there OR they will just bail on the night all-together.