Breaking up with someone is always hard… but you know what makes it ten times harder?? Realizing six months down the road that he was a complete douchebag and wishing you could go back in time to the day you broke up to tell that asshole to eat shit.
So, here, years later, are four love letters to a select few ex-boyfriends.
Dear Scott (you earn points for letting me use your real name),
I understand we were kids when you tried to kiss me and I instead fell backwards on my pretty little face in front of the entire elementary school.
But now that I think about it, you could have helped me up instead of running away, you twelve year old little prick. You’re lucky I’m friends with you now twenty years later, and I think you owe me a few shots of Jameson.
The Girl Who Will Never Live Down THAT Embarrassment
Dear the Guy who Tore my Teenage Diary into Shreds,
Do you not see what I do now? Do you not understand the stories I could have shared from my teenage years??? My blog would have been GOLD. I understand you were jealous of my ex and couldn’t bear the thought of me writing about him, but that diary was perfection. The pink and green ink I used, the “Michelle and Billy… or Matty… or Mikey 4-EVER” filling up the pages, the stories of the multiple Titanic movie dates I went on (because we all know every eighth grader on the planet saw that movie at least three times when it first came out)…
I was PISSED! Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that you were the first person to make me cry when you broke up with me. Back when I was nineteen, you were the biggest dickwad on Earth.
But don’t you worry, sweetheart – my heart will go on.
The Teenager Without a Diary
Dear the Guy who Took my Virginity,
Oh, boy… the things I have to say to you…
First of all – the sex. For you, it may have felt like you were lifted up into the heavens of unruly pleasure… but for me, it felt like a Swiss Army Knife was jamming me in the vagina.
You could have SLOWED DOWN asshole. It was not a race.
Next, I thank you dearly for cheating on me ten times. It only took me thirteen years to get over my trust issues. Let’s hope you grew up and stopped cheating on your girlfriends.
The Best Sex You’ve Ever Had
Dear the Guy who Broke my Heart,
Thank you for giving me the chance to love myself for who I am. If you didn’t tear my heart into a five million pieces, shithead, I wouldn’t have had the chance to turn into complete awesomeness.
One Happy Bitch