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March 14, one month after Valentine’s Day, is the official holiday for Steak and Blowjob Day, and unless you’re a vegetarian lesbian it is a day that should be celebrated. Rumps and Romps. Filets and Fellatio. Sirloins and Sucking. Surf and Turf.  What could possibly be better? I think it’s a win-win for both sexes. Personally, I like giving Blowjobs because like all girls I think I am really good at them and they make me feel powerful and in control. However, it is not about me. It’s about my man. Or your man. If a man made you feel special on Valentine’s Day, then you should make him feel special one month later. This makes perfect sense in the tit-for-tat that is relationships. Especially if you’re married. Because we all know what a woman eats after her very last blow job, right? Wedding cake. So I guess its safe to assume that this holiday was thought up by some desperate but clever husband, but that’s neither here nor there. Men do not want candy. Men have no need for flowers or teddy bears. There are two things men want: steak and a blowjob. Regardless of how you celebrate the holiday’s namesake, the central focus should be the same. While I, personally would prefer the knob-slobbage to occur prior to the steak (it’s a don’t shit/ejaculate where you eat kind of thing), the truly ambitious can go for simultaneous pleasures. The reason I prefer prior to the feast as oppose to after is because after a good T-Bone I am likely to be in a food coma.

To the ladies out there questioning the validity of this holiday: lighten the fuck up. Some man trudged through the red and white perfumed hell of CVS for you and braved some shitty French/Indian fusion place you wanted to try so bad, and then spent actual money on plants that serve no purpose except slowly dying. When I put it that way, I hope one measly steak and a shaft slathering session doesn’t make you want to gag (pun-intended). Hopefully your man goes above and beyond for you and the least you could do is return the favor a month later.

P.S. Ladies, one load of cum has as much protein as one WHOLE egg white, so don’t forget to swallow.

Men, you can thank me by sharing this post. I suck at Email. I am OK at TwitterFacebook is my bitch. I am also on Instagram.

Xx

Jessica Bari

 

 

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