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I just moved to LA from Miami. So here I am a cliché, starving writer trying to make it in the city of Angels. Just to clarify, when I say starving, I mean literally starving because I haven’t eaten in order to fit in with the rest of these organic, vegan, gluten and food-free waifs on the west coast. But hey, when in Rome! So on top of me being a hungry, shitty writer, I am also an actress…in bed. I am talking about faking orgasms. It’s a major epidemic in women. New reports say that 75% of women cannot cum from vaginal penetration alone. This post is a PSA to all women to stop faking their orgasms. I may fake an orgasm, but I never fake sarcasm. So let me tell you something, loud and clear, fellow habitual orgasm fakers, I’m not going to mince words: WE’RE RUINING EVERYTHING.

I’ve faked every single vaginal orgasm I’ve had up until about 6 months ago. That’s the saddest sentence I’ve ever written. Honestly though I just never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. I know. I know. Shocker. It ended up being much easier to be dishonest and fake it. Besides, if I was over it I could just moan, “I’m about to cum baby!” and BAM! It’s all over within seconds and now I can move to the other side of the bed because I’m weird with affection and fall asleep. Faking orgasms is like a gateway drug for sleep. However, after this New Years I made it my resolution to never fake an orgasm again because I decided orgasms are more important (i.e. fun) than sex and I am not going into my last year in my 20’s without cumming from sex. Not okay! I don’t believe someone who is fucking you poorly deserves that kind of payoff. Life is too short for shitty sex, so find someone who fucks you right. More importantly, faking an orgasm is the biggest dick move you can pull on another girl. Rampant orgasm faking is creating a population of men who have gone through life with inflated sexual GPA’s due to some “hehehehehe” followed by “yesyessyesss!” and then an explosion of high-pitched “ohmigodohmigodohmigod!” A faked orgasm during shitty sex only serves to perpetuate a guy’s misconception that he’s the man in bed, which he’s not, which he’ll likely use on the next girl unlucky enough to fall into his bed. By faking an orgasm, you’re inflicting a disservice to sisters everywhere. Think of this as modern-day feminism!

Now, I’m sorry, every single ex-lover I’ve ever had, but 99% of the orgasms you thought I had were fake. That wasn’t the sound of pleasure you heard, it was the sound of giving up. Don’t feel bad though. It’s me. It’s not you. You didn’t know any better because I was faking it every.single.time. This is especially important to consider given that most orgasms are faked while dating or in a relationship, as opposed to a one-night stand. That’s right—most orgasms are faked with our regular sex partners! Seriously, if you know you’re going to fuck the same person again, wouldn’t it be in everyone’s best interest to be honest and tell your lover how you really feel instead of resorting to deception? We all remember the famous scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan famously fakes a pretty convincing orgasm to prove a point to Billy Crystal. The point was most women have faked it, and that most men cannot tell the difference. Paradoxically, most men think they can. I wish I didn’t feel obligated to stroke your ego, but I cannot have an orgasm from just putting the D in the V. It takes 237 muscles to fake an orgasm but only 15 to say, “It’s called a clit and its right there.” Party is on top. Do it to it, people! Men, reread that last sentence. Women, whose men can’t read, learn to love to play with your own clit during sex so you get off (men are turned on by that anyway 😉 Do what you have to do to get off, just stop faking getting turned on!!!

If you share this post, I will buy you a dildo. I suck at Email. I am OK at TwitterFacebook is my bitch. I am an Instagram whore.


Jessica Bari



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