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I am 29 years old and it seems like all my friends are getting married, but today marks the day that the first of them is getting divorced. Congratulations. Welcome back to the dark side! I’ve never been married. My Dad said he wouldn’t pay for my wedding until I turned 30 to save me from my first divorce, which is fine by me because I am not traditional in any sense of the word. Plus, I’ve slept with enough married men to know holy matrimony is not for me anyway.

Now, I am all for a good party, especially one with a hired photographer because pics or it didn’t happen. We all know that I am not going to remember your wedding, but no matter how much the Bride and Groom think their wedding is one-of-a-kind, every wedding is more or less exactly the same. Your wedding is traditional at best, generic at worst. In other words, if you’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all. Not my chair, not my problem, but what a waste of fucking money. Every tradition is not only outdated, but completely optional. Bridesmaids dresses? Optional! Flowers? Optional! Embossed and filigreed save-the-date cards? Stupid, but also: optional! Bottom line, the amount people are currently spending on weddings is vulgar, not just for the Bride and Groom and the Bride’s parents, but for me too. I am offended. There I said it.

When a friend asks you to be Bridesmaid, she’s really saying, “Give me a check for $1,000 and get ready to look pregnant in a matchy-matchy empire waist dresses with five of my other friends, cousins, husband’s sisters and a few other girls you can’t stand.” Like that’s cool if you want to get married, but just go to City Hall and leave me out of that shit. I don’t want to pay $1000 to blackout but if I am going to participate I would like to add my two-cents.

First things first, no one thinks your wedding plans are as interesting as you do. It’s bad enough that you make those wedding websites, which always make me wonder if the Groom is even straight enough to get married to you, but then you keep talking about it like it’s the last day on earth so even if you’re not a “Bridezilla”… you’re annoying as shit.

For your wedding list: just invite all your girl friends because none of your guy friends want to be there, including the Groom. Men view weddings primarily as a chance to meet desperate women, which is fine by me because I am never invited with a date. While, I will be attending your wedding alone, I will be consuming enough cake and champagne for at least two. I try to hook-up early at weddings to get out of my bridesmaid dress as quickly as possible. I may not even be that blasted. It would mean a lot to me if your wedding list included a lot less family members and a lot more hot, horny, single people.

For your wedding venue: destination weddings are the ultimate ‘FUCK YOU’. Only once have I attended a wedding in driving distance of where I live. Your destination wedding is a perfect excuse to visit a place I am not really dying to see. Basically, you’re forcing me to go on vacation with you. You get to choose the place AND get to be the center of attention the whole time we’re there?  I get to pay for it, and take the extra time off work, and more likely that not get a sunburn?! Oh, hell no! Then there are some of you who have forced me into a Church even though I know not a single one of you is religious. You haven’t been in a Church since your Baptism. A house of God is nowhere I should step foot in and if we’re being really honest neither should you in your little white virginal dress. I mean the jigs up. You’re not a virgin. You fucked ten people in the audience and probably the best man.  It’s a good thing your wedding dress does represent your virginal status anymore actually, because mine would be a deep shade of whore. You should actually wear black. It’s a funeral of your life. Wedding rings are the world’s smallest handcuffs. Buh-bye freedom.

I got a head of myself. After picking your venue you probably sent out save-the-dates. Stop that. Email them. Go green. I can open it, download the date right to my calendar, delete it, and do us both a favor.

For your gift: your wedding gift is my travel expenses. I don’t understand why we give gifts to people who are getting married anyway. I want a gift for staying single and not ruining anyone else’s life. New rule: you don’t get your wedding gift until you make it to the 2-year mark. And here’s to hoping the wedding gifts you receive are even remotely worth the antagonizing process of writing thank-you notes for all of them. Not that I care where you register, but I always find the registry so random and odd. As if it’s important to have an ice cream scooper. I don’t think my husband is going to allow me to eat ice cream if he knows what’s good for his boner. If I had a wedding I would register at Target. It’s a magical place of things you didn’t know you needed until you get there and you can’t get everything you can even get a casket. How fitting.

For your bridesmaid dresses: if you make me wear an empire waist dress, I am going to get it hemmed as a bay doll dress and wear it to your baby shower. You’ve been warned.

For your ceremony: I always hear, “Speak now or forever hold your peace” and no one does anything. Every time it’s a disappointment, especially when your best girlfriend is marrying a man who you know is going to turn out to be a cheating, deadbeat dad in three years or less. If no one is actually going to speak, they should stop getting our hopes up.

For your reception dinner: It doesn’t matter whether you get the chicken kiev or the beef wellington, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to taste like something they served on Spirit Airlines circa 1995. It will be overly salty, rubbery, nasty, and completely unsatisfying. New Rule: Have heavy hors d’oeuvres rather than making us sit down and knife our way through a warmed-over shitty, meal.

For your bar: I’m sorry, but if you’re dragging me away from my life for a day, an evening, or especially a whole weekend, you better ply me with alcohol—and it better be free. Having a cash bar says two things: that you are cheap and you do not care about everyone having fun at your wedding.

Anyway, may the rest of your marriages outlast everyone’s resentment over the expense of attending your wedding and I hope it’s a wedding that nets enough cash and gifts to pay for your divorce.

And, thank you to all my friends who are too immature or undateable to get married this wedding season I’ve been having panic attacks that global warming is going to extend wedding season.

P.S. If you got that “Not my chair, not my problem.” reference above we should probably go ahead and get married.

If you share this post, I will not bitch about your wedding on my Blog. I suck at Email. I am OK at TwitterFacebook is my bitch. I am an Instagram whore.

Xx

Jessica Bari
 

 

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