Welcome to MOM JEANS….a glimpse into the rewarding train wreck that is parenting.
If you opened this post because you were momentarily decoyed by the cute baby, then my plan was a success. There will be plenty more child exploitation to come.
Let’s get acquainted, shall we? My name is Jen. I’m 30-something, live in Maryland with my husband (Travis) and a 3000 year old hobbit/yorkie (Murray), work full-time and I’m a first time mom to a tiny milkaholic named Lilla (pronounced like ‘Serial KILLA’ by Snoop Dogg).
That last part still sounds weird. MOM. Whoa!
Up until 3 months ago, I was not capable of keeping flowers alive for more than 2 days. The fact that I am now responsible for a human life is frightening, to say the least. I find it ludicrous that McDonald’s gives background checks before an employee is allowed to take an order that is typically only referred to as a number (“I’ll have #2 with a Coke”) and yet nobody remotely questions your child-rearing abilities (or complete lack thereof) before leaving the hospital.
I imagine that my husband and I looked something like this on the day we were sent home with our newborn daughter.
I literally tried to get someone to second guess their decision of discharging me.
Me: Are you SURE we are cleared to leave the hospital? Look at us and give me a confident answer.
Nurse: YEP, you are all set to leave! You must be so excited to finally take your new baby home!
Me: Finally??? ‘Finally’ would be an appropriate word if we had been here so long that she was now capable of doing long division.
Nurse: [confused look]
Me: Maybe we should just stay for an extra night or a few months so you guys can keep an eye on her and make sure everything is OK. We didn’t baby proof the house before we came here so I really don’t know if it’s safe. And we have a dog so maybe we need to get that dog whisperer guy over to make sure he won’t try to eat her. I also don’t think all her clothes are organized by size AND color AND season so I should probably take care of that before she thinks her mother is some sort of monster.
Nurse: [talking into phone] Hello, can you please send someone from psychiatric down? We’ve got another crazy one.
Anyway, now that I have 3 whole months of experience with this thing called ‘motherhood’, I consider myself an expert and will be writing to diarrhea all of my advice on how to raise a child like a North Korean dictator.
Ummmm NO. I have no F&#%$!@ clue what I am doing and am just flying by the seat of my uncomfortably tight pants (because I still haven’t lost all of the baby weight).
Feel free to follow along with me and my attempt at parenthood if you have kids, are about to have a kid, are thinking about having kids, are looking for reasons NOT to have kids, are an actual kid or are just looking to kill some time.
***DISCLAIMER: everything written by me is laced with strong sarcasm and is not intended to offend anyone. Please do not call Child Protective Services on me.