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Welcome to MOM JEANS….a glimpse into the rewarding train wreck that is parenting.

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If you opened this post because you were momentarily decoyed by the cute baby, then my plan was a success. There will be plenty more child exploitation to come.

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Let’s get acquainted, shall we? My name is Jen. I’m 30-something, live in Maryland with my husband (Travis) and a 3000 year old hobbit/yorkie (Murray), work full-time and I’m a first time mom to a tiny milkaholic named Lilla (pronounced like ‘Serial KILLA’ by Snoop Dogg).

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That last part still sounds weird. MOM. Whoa!

Up until 3 months ago, I was not capable of keeping flowers alive for more than 2 days. The fact that I am now responsible for a human life is frightening, to say the least. I find it ludicrous that McDonald’s gives background checks before an employee is allowed to take an order that is typically only referred to as a number (“I’ll have #2 with a Coke”) and yet nobody remotely questions your child-rearing abilities (or complete lack thereof) before leaving the hospital.

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I imagine that my husband and I looked something like this on the day we were sent home with our newborn daughter.

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I literally tried to get someone to second guess their decision of discharging me.

Me: Are you SURE we are cleared to leave the hospital? Look at us and give me a confident answer.

Nurse: YEP, you are all set to leave! You must be so excited to finally take your new baby home!

Me: Finally??? ‘Finally’ would be an appropriate word if we had been here so long that she was now capable of doing long division.

Nurse: [confused look]

Me: Maybe we should just stay for an extra night or a few months so you guys can keep an eye on her and make sure everything is OK. We didn’t baby proof the house before we came here so I really don’t know if it’s safe. And we have a dog so maybe we need to get that dog whisperer guy over to make sure he won’t try to eat her. I also don’t think all her clothes are organized by size AND color AND season so I should probably take care of that before she thinks her mother is some sort of monster.

Nurse: [talking into phone] Hello, can you please send someone from psychiatric down? We’ve got another crazy one.

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Anyway, now that I have 3 whole months of experience with this thing called ‘motherhood’, I consider myself an expert and will be writing to diarrhea all of my advice on how to raise a child like a North Korean dictator.

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Ummmm NO. I have no F&#%$!@ clue what I am doing and am just flying by the seat of my uncomfortably tight pants (because I still haven’t lost all of the baby weight).

Feel free to follow along with me and my attempt at parenthood if you have kids, are about to have a kid, are thinking about having kids, are looking for reasons NOT to have kids, are an actual kid or are just looking to kill some time. 

***DISCLAIMER: everything written by me is laced with strong sarcasm and is not intended to offend anyone. Please do not call Child Protective Services on me.

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Follow me on Instagram @thegranavans and Facebook

 

 

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