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Aaaaah Thanksgiving. It’s that time to reflect on all the things we took for granted the last 11 months of the year…and then list them on Facebook ad nauseam. It’s the day to abuse #blessed (or some variation of the hashtag) on Twitter and Instagram.

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Hey guess what, you better spend EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY feeling lucky if you A) Woke up B) Woke up with your health in tact C) Woke up from a food induced coma because you ate plenty for dinner the previous night D) Woke up to an alarm clock because you have a job to get to. These are all givens.

So with that out of the way, I bring you 12 Other Things I Am Genuinely Thankful for on Thanksgiving:

12.) I am thankful to everyone and anyone that has taken the time to read the absurd ramblings of this blog. I am truly grateful that the guys behind Jones and B accept bribes and took a chance on letting me write for them.

11.) I am thankful that my non-maternity pants have (sort of) started to fit me again. Yes, I can literally hear the zipper and seams beg for mercy as I button them while simultaneously holding my breath, sweating and turning blue, but I am tremendously grateful that I can see my crotch again without the assistance of a mirror.

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10.) I am thankful for epidurals. To anyone who has ever gone through labor & delivery voluntarily without drugs (my mom being one of them), that is your decision and you are entitled to it. But seriously…are you f#cking crazy!?!? WHY?! They don’t give out medals for that sh*t.

9.) I am thankful for Channing Tatum. Who isn’t?

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8.) I am thankful to have had eight weeks of paid maternity leave in which I was able to bond with my little nugget. And I am also thankful as all hell that after those eight weeks came to an end, I had a job to go back to that involves adult interaction. I give stay-at-home moms/dads all the credit in the world because that was HARD. Like REALLY REALLY HARD. Daycare is expensive for a reason. To anyone that thinks being a stay-at-home with children who are not yet school age is a cake walk, I dare you to try doing it for a week (WITHOUT HELP) while simultaneously keeping your sanity and not allowing your house to burn down. Bonus points if you also manage to keep the house from looking like it was vandalized, feed yourself more than a granola bar in a 24 hour period, cook a meal that utilizes an appliance other than a microwave and/or a delivery menu, and shower on a daily basis. Working full-time and then coming home to do all of this stuff is pretty damn hard too, BUT those hours during the day that I am out of the house and have the ability to run an errand without having to awkwardly open a stroller in a parking lot while trying not to get run over are like being on vacation.

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7.) I am thankful for alcohol. More on that in next week’s post. Stay tuned.

6.) I am thankful that my husband and I are only children because all of the grandparents are focused on OUR kid…and they are ALL TOO EAGER to spoil the crap out of her. I am thankful that we will never have to duke it out with siblings in order to claim our (FREE) babysitter when we need a night out.

5.) The flip side of growing up as an only child is that holidays were always eerily quiet for me. Therefore, I am thankful that my holidays now resemble a scene out of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Sure, travelling through different states for four consecutive days can be exhausting. However, it means that we are part of a big, crazy family and there are boatloads of people within driving distance who are excited to spend time with us (or at least pretend to be).

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4.) I am thankful that I am NOT the one hosting Thanksgiving. Props to anyone who happily invites 27 people into their home and accepts the consequences that come with obscene amounts of food and alcohol consumption.

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3.) I am thankful for my mom. OK this one is pretty obvious, but now that I am a parent, my respect and love for her has been elevated to a whole new level. For the past 34 years of my life I have thought she was completely batsh*t crazy, but now I understand why…it’s because she loves me (remind me to tell you all about the time she secretly stalked me on Spring Break). I drove her nuts and tested her limits on so many occasions, but she always held strong and never stopped being crazy because she wanted to protect me at all costs. It all makes sense now. I too will be batsh*t crazy and am scared to death because we all know karma is a b*tch.

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2.) I am thankful for my husband. Yeah I guess this might be considered obvious as well, but seriously, there is nobody else on the planet I would rather be partnered with as we navigate this whole parenthood thing. Excuse me while I gush; he is adorable, hysterical, intelligent and once got mistaken for Adam Levine. He went to great lengths to ensure I was taken care of while I cooked our child in my uterus, convincingly told me he thought I was beautiful while I inhaled mint chocolate chip ice cream like my life depended on it, still manages to find me attractive after witnessing childbirth, dealt with the emotional sh*t storm of post-partum like a champ AND is a highly competent/hands-on daddy. He will happily take care of Lilla so I can pretend I am 23 years old again and enjoy a night out with my girlfriends…and then also take responsibility for the following 24 hours after said night out while I am rendered unconscious and incapable of doing much more than lifting pizza into my mouth. He calms me like no other. He is Xanax. Xanax with a penis.

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1.) And finally…no matter how much I b*tched about being uncomfortable, I am thankful for every single day of the 40 weeks that I was pregnant because I delivered a full term, healthy, happy and adorable little human. Words cannot express the amount of gratitude I have knowing that she was born just about as perfect as they come. I am thankful that she sleeps through the night, has the appetite of a linebacker and has a well-functioning digestive tract that produces  a daily dose of “Armageddon” in her diaper.  I will never ever take for granted the words, “You have a healthy baby girl” and will be eternally thankful for my daughter…that is, until she is a teenager. If she is anything like me, then I may try to send her back where she came from.

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I hope you all have as much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving as I do…and if not, you can always make sh*t up for Facebook. Because we all know that 95% of the crap everyone brags about on there is BS anyway.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FOLKS!!

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