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Being as the entire northeast was “snowed in” by Juno last night, I started thinking about what the first thing is that every guy tries to do when he’s stuck inside – get a girl to come over.  “Let’s have a couple drinks”, “We can watch movies, whatever you want to watch”, “we can order in and hangout”, or the much greater degree of difficulty, “I’ll cook you dinner,” are all lines we use to get a girl to come over to our apartment.  To be fair, if you’re soberly inviting a girl over to your apartment it’s not just about hooking up, you definitely have some legitimate interest in her; but don’t bullshit either, hooking up is definitely on your mind.  However, if she comes over, the majority of the time (NOT ALWAYS) , hooking up is on her mind too – or at least she sees it as something she’ll consider.

Let’s just be honest and admit that girls tend to be, ummm, can we call it judgmental?  I don’t mean being shallow (that’s what us guys do), but more the fact that they are going to observe everything about you and make assessments on you based on those things.  Those quick assessments will absolutely dictate whether she is:  interested in you, wants to fuck you, would date you or tell all her friends some ridiculous story and stop answering your texts.  Now, if you get a girl to come over to your apartment for the first time, you’ve made it past the basic assessments: she approves of your physical appearance, she likes your shoes – girls always look at a guys shoes, I don’t get it – she finds you interesting or funny, and she has deemed you not to be a creep (so far).  However, there’s still plenty of room to fuck things up once she’s over – even if you’ve already hooked up.  So after years of figuring some stuff out, and to be honest, making some mistakes too, I’ve put together a list of 12 tips to help navigate having a girl over to your apartment for the first time.

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1. Get Rid of the Roommates:  If we’re really honest, if you’re over 30, you shouldn’t have a roommate anymore.  I know it’s tough financially – but for dating (and just life) purposes it’s just a necessary part of being a man.  However, if you’re younger or you do have roommates, here’s the deal, girls want to date you – not you and all your bros.  This is definitely true when they are coming over to your apartment for the first time.  You need to set the mood, and make her comfortable with you.   It only complicates things when you’re trying to do that, and your roommate is sitting on the couch watching the ranger game and eating PB out of the jar.  So if you want to have a girl over to your apartment for the first time, you need to get rid of the roommates, at least for the night (the WHOLE night).

2. Clean your apartment – like really clean it:  If your apartment is a mess or dirty, girls are going to either think that you’re just dirty or they are just going to be grossed out by how you live or both.  Once you’re older than about 23, you can’t get away with this.  Grossed out = no hookup.  So do yourself a favor, clean your shit up.  That means:

  • Clean the kitchen and put all the dishes away
  • Make your bed
  • Arrange the living room (couch pillows and coffee table stuff) and just put stuff away
  • CLEAN THE BATHROOM – this is the most crucial thing.  You need to wipe down all the surfaces, floors and counter tops, wash your shave clippings down the drain, put dirty towels in the laundry and most importantly – clean your toilet!
  • While we’re on the bathroom, make sure to also get air freshener.  If you run into a dumb and dumber moment at any point during the night, the last thing you ever want is her to smell that!

**Girls snoop.  Not to like invade privacy, but because they are curious.  So make sure anything you don’t want them to see is put away.  Like make sure pictures of ex-girlfriends are 100% removed from the apt, if you’re on some weird medication, get it out of your medicine cabinet.  Lastly, don’t have condoms just poured out in your drawer like you’ve got girls coming over every night.  It’s not that you’re not allowed to hook up, but don’t flaunt it either.***

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Apartment clean, coffee table book out

 

3. Dress like it’s still a date:  Unless she specifically says she’s coming over in sweats, don’t wear sweatpants and wife beater.  Even then you can find a way to just wear jeans and a t-shirt.  However, if it’s more of a date, then don’t let the style lax just because you’re at home, dress like it’s a date.  Sweater, button down, or even just like a well fitting t-shirt and jeans is fine, as long as you, in theory, would meet her out dressed like that, then it’s fine.

**Wear socks or shoes.  Girls have pretty feet, dudes, especially if you workout a lot, do not.  Don’t make her stare at your feet all night long.**

4. Candles:  Sounds cheesy, and it can be, but candles do two things simultaneously: set the mood and smell good.  Guys, don’t underestimate how bad your apartment can potentially smell, and how sensitive girls are to smells.  I’ve had girls tell me that the right cologne/scent can single handedly get them turned on.  So get 2-3 candles, not 30, you’re not creating a gothic sex den, and keep them in a drawer for nights like this.

One of my new coffee table books
One of my new coffee table books

5. Coffee Table Books:  Have a cool, but “flippable” coffee table book out.  While you’re opening wine, going to the bathroom, or cooking dinner, girls like to be entertained – and they are expert multi-taskers.  So have something out for them to flip through, instead of spending downtime on their phone.  Also, Mens Health is not a coffee table book, think more along the lines of “Above New York”, a dope book of aerial shots of NYC.  If it has to be a magazine, think like GQ or Esquire or even Wired.

6. Dinner:  Cooking vs Ordering In:  While cooking for a girl is definitely a solid move, don’t get yourself in over your head.  If you can’t cook, just order in.  If you can cook a little, don’t try and impress her with rack of lamb and fail miserably.  If you can really get down in the kitchen, don’t go overboard in the creativity realm because if it’s the first time she’s coming over then you probably don’t really know all of her likes and dislikes.  Whichever decision you make follow these basics:

  • If you have a dining table, use it.  Save the couch for later
  • Set the table before she gets there
  • Have dinner ordered or just about ready before she gets there so you’re both not sitting there starving or she’s not sitting there by herself for an hour while you finish cooking
  • Have a backup plan if you’re cooking – aka be prepared to scrap the meal and order in if it fucks up.  Listen it can happen to the best of us, just be prepared.
Dinner with Rule 12 Mistake... see below... still smh
Dinner with the girl referenced in tip 12.  Killed dinner and tips 1-11 but then… still smh.

 

7. 4 Bottles of Wine:  Ok so here’s the deal, when the wine is done the date is over.  So don’t run out.  But she’s not a straight alcoholic or a frat bro, so why 4 bottles?  First of all, you want to have both white and red wine in the house, because you never know what she’s going to be in the mood for.  Next, you want to have two bottles of each, because whatever she picks to drink, you need a second bottle to keep the night going (switching from red to white because you don’t have anymore red is not a desirable move).

**If you’re a little bit older or more financially secure then my recommendation is to also have a bottle of champagne in the apartment at all times.  Girls drink champagne way more often than just for celebrations, and something about the bubbles definitely gets girls a bit happy.**

8. Ice Cream:  Cupcakes, cannolis and pastries are fine when you’re in a relationship, but I like to keep it a bit simpler when it’s early on, which is why I stick to ice cream.  I literally have never met a girl who didn’t like ice cream, and if I ever do that relationship won’t last long.  Pick up two pints of ice cream – one simple flavor (vanilla) and one slightly more girly (like butter pecan).  My personal recommendation?  Go with that “Talenti” gelato – girls love it.  Also, if things do make it to the bedroom, ice cream can be fun.

Girls love that Salted Caramel Talenti
Girls love that Salted Caramel Talenti

 

9. Music over TV:  When I was younger I made this mistake all the time.  I’d have the TV on in the background during a date at my apartment.  Not a good move.  Music sets the mood, drives conversation, and keeps your attention on each other.

Go to album or spotify radio station.
Go to album or spotify radio station.

There’s nothing worse than trying to find that “safe” show that you’ll both kind of enjoy to put on in the background, then it’s over and you have to spend 15 minutes trying to figure out what you’re going to watch next.  If you can spend a whole night just talking/chilling with only music on, trust me that’s a good thing.

10. Movie time:  With apple tv and on-demand, you literally don’t even need to plan to watch a movie in advance anymore.  It’s honestly the greatest thing to happen to dating since women started paying pretending to pay haha (just playing ladies).  But regardless, here’s the thing.  Offer to let her pick the movie, but prepared to have her throw it back to you.  If this happens, you know the, “I don’t care, I’ll watch whatever”, remember that she’s a girl – she does not want to watch whatever.  Instead she wants to see you be decisive while playing a game girls like to call, “try and guess what I want while I give you no hints and completely judge your decision making process”.  I hate this game, but I’ve figured out that there’s three rules to playing this game with movies (I’m terrible at this game when it applies to anything else.)

  1. Unless she’s a definitive sports chick… No sports movies
  2. No super serious movies… Selma is a really good movie, but it’s not the right mood setter for a first date.

    Decent chick flick, but definitely watchable as a dude.
    Decent chick flick, but definitely watchable as a dude.
  3. If you pick a “chick-flick” to try and appease her, try and pick one that has a male c0-lead that you can stomach.  Any movie that’s like 3 chicks schemeing to get back at their ex’s is just too girly, and you’ll either end of fake laughing or making passive aggressive jokes the whole time.  Think along the lines of Adam Sandler in “50 First Dates” or McConaughey in “How to lose a guy in 10 days”

Other than that, try and make an educated guess based on what you know about her.  If she’s really intelligent/academic, you can go with the right type of documentary.  If she’s really well read or a film person, you can go with a drama like “Gone Girl” or “Birdman”.  But generally, I try and keep things a bit lighter.  “Boyhood” is actually probably a great date movie for most girls.

11. The Foot Massage:  A lot of guys go straight for the back/neck massage to try and initiate the physical.  While this is fine, I think the foot massage is definitely the way to go for a few reasons.  First, the back massage usually requires a full on conversation to get in the right position, while the foot massage can be initiated so easily while you’re just sitting side-by-side on the couch.  Second, girls wear crazy heels all the time, which is why they are always talking about how their feet hurt.  So rubbing their feet is actually solving for a need they have.  It shows a little bit of intuition into a girl’s needs.  Third, if you’re trying to show that you want to pay attention to them, and listen to them, while giving a foot massage the girl is usually facing you, rather than facing away from you.

If you don’t think the foot massage is a quality move, then just watch this scene from “Pulp Fiction” and see why Marcellus Wallace threw a guy out of a window for giving his wife a foot massage.

12. Make your move, but don’t be a creep either:  If everything goes well, and she’s still there well into your second bottle of wine, then she probably digs you.  But you can still fuck things up.  You can do this two ways: by being too aggressive or by not making a move at all.  Get too aggressive by going for everything too quickly or taking her right to the bed, and she’s going to think everything was just a ploy to get laid.  Don’t make a move at all and she’s not going to think you have any balls at all and she’ll just start putting you in the friend zone, immediately (just recently, in completely uncharacteristic move for me, I made this exact mistake.  I’m gonna try and salvage it, but not going to lie, get this wrong and it can be completely unrecoverable.  being a “nice-guy” is not the look you’re going for when you dig a girl.)  You gotta make your move like an adult, like a man.  Be confident and go for it, but also smooth enough to just let things develop off her queues from there.

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So there you have it, those are my 12 tips for having a girl over to your place for the first time.  Don’t take my advice because I think I’m some dating god.  I figured all these things out, by making most of these mistakes when I was younger.  Since then, I’ve done a pretty good job of playing “Hitch” to all of my friends with tips like this.  But, just like “Hitch”, when I actually meet a girl that’s more than just a hook up, I make my share of mistakes (wow, that recent rule 12 fuck-up was soooo weak.).  Anyway, enjoy the snow and see if you can’t turn “Why don’t you come over tonight?” into, “Hey, what do you want for breakfast this morning?”

 

 

 

 

 

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